i dont really blog about my relationship, some of the time i do, but not always. i rather people ask me about hows my relationship with someone and then i will tell it from there. i mean, its better to hear out from me in person than to let untrue stories to be spread. but now i need my own space to type down what i feel, i cant hold anything that i feel any longer. i need to let it out. and this is my personal space, and i dont need any judgement. what goes here,ends here.
alright,so here goes. i got out of a 2 year 5 months relationship after so long of being with someone i loved. well, i loved the guy who i presume would be different, would make me happy, someone who i thought i trust despite being busy,despite being caught up with life, would never do to an extent to hurt me. im 20, at the age whereby im already done with bullshitting with love,i wanna be serious, i wanna settle down with someone, not entirely settle down as in going to an extent of marriage, what i meant is no fooling around. i admit i was dumb, a fool to give my everything, but you cant blame me for i believe in sacrifising. if you love someone, you would do anything, everything for them, true? well, thats what i thought. not till i found out the guy who i never thought would hurt me, never thought who will played me at least, is doing the things that i assume it wont happen. honestly, till this day, i am deeply hurt, my trust was being misused completely, i feel like a piece of shit to be honest, but i cant change whats done,neither can i hope for anything to be better.
i was sincere, i didnt even misuse his trust, i did what a girlfriend should do. but maybe its not entirely his fault. maybe i didnt understand what he wanted, maybe i wasnt understanding enough. but, hey, who could resist not meeting the boyfriend for more than 2 weeks when the time you can meet was being spent on something else? and your conversations are always made short. and when you expected for just a day to spend together,nothing happen. instead, your kindness was taken for granted. i was way too kind to understand him going out with 'people' even as much as i was insecure of who he was with at times. i mean, who wouldnt? you dont know the person, more mainly a girl,never heard of a girl they are out with before and suddenly they go out and you the girlfriend got to be okay? is it fair for me? do i still need to be okay and understand? of cos i got to have my say. but my say is never heard,never even considered,feelings never even been cared about. i still go on agreeing despite half heartedly thinking its not a good idea of me to agree, but cos i trust him,hence i put that trust. what did i get? being fooled with.
i feel used honestly and i will never forget cos this is by far the worst that im going through. when he was busy with school, knowing that hes in a course which is tough and competitive, even if he couldnt spend his time with me, never once my feelings changed. of cos i do feel sad at times when he cant get to meet me, but i always think, once he graduate this is for the better of him, insyaAllah i get to be a part of this happiness of him graduating with a good future. and i was trying to understand his time even when i couldnt adjust to his way of time with his life, i did understand and even so, i never left him. i was still there supporting him.
i feel horrible emotionally, i was being left without any proper closure, and even when i was being left, the words said was just useless words, words of lies. even so i still believed cos i figured, i dont think he would want to lie even when breaking up. again, i was wrong. i had to find things out myself and even i had friends telling me the hard truth. i cried like ive never cried before, i was emotionally down. i skip school for a few times cos i feel bothered. yes, i was bothered. i didnt wanna tell anyone anything till im ready to talk. see, even so i still kept it low,on what he had done. but when i tell him how i feel via calls or text, i was being brushed off. calls - excuses, tired. texts - no reply. i felt like i was doing alone to save this relationship cos i dont know what i did wrong. but now i realize, ive done nothing wrong. i dont deserve to be lied, fooled,cheated on. and i believe whats done will come back round to him one day.
ive no loss neither ive no gain. i did lost someone i love but same time i guess i lost it for my own good. now that i know the truth,everything about him in my point of view changes instantly. 2 years 5 months, the things that we go through, the times that i wasted on, the money i wasted on, the love i wasted on for the right person turn out to be the wrong person. 2 years 5 months i forgive many times on anything he did, keep giving myself chances with this relationship cos i love him,i love us,i treasured him,i treasured us. i keep working it out cos i want this. but, sadly he doesnt.
its sad that i had no proper closure to this relationship. neither did the other thought of giving this another try maybe not now but in future. its sad that i hoped he would change his mind but clearly i didnt matter. he let go everything, giving me excuse that doesnt make sense, didnt cared about me at all and barely a month of break up, already has someone else. yeah, truth told. i rarely lie, i hate lying to people. same goes with holding a grudge.
i cant be seeing someone who i actually really love going on with someone else, and i have to 'act' normal. i think what i have gone through is enough to make me feel hurt. i am already emotionally hurt real bad, i dont need anymore of it. not even a lie. one day when the person who im referring to decides to talk to me, and have me back in his life even as a friend, it takes more than just words, more than just an apology to do so. cos what ive gone through has seriously gone beyond my every limit of trust. i cant deal with it anymore, i need to get away from being hurt.
i have always love the boy whom i spend my 2 years plus of relationship with. i wished for more years but sadly it ended in an abrupt way. till today,i admit, none of my feelings changed, its hard to let go of something you've been in for too long. and its even harder to let go of it when you know you did nothing wrong. if all the bullshit didnt happen, i guess we would still go on as fine till now. but of cos my thoughts about how he is has changed. i love this relationship, i love the boy who i was in love with but i guess i was the only one who took this relationship for real. yeah, i got to understand he still rather wanna enjoy life, but this is rather not a good excuse to hurt me this way.
maybe one day my heart will forgive him and if he comes back and with guidance from allah, maybe i will open up my heart to him again. for now, im done. i believe in trust. and my trust has been misused and scarred. i am very afraid to fall in love, im afraid that im gonna fall in love with the wrong person again. im afraid to love hard anymore, cos i love this relationship too much till i got hurt myself. i dont need another guy to make me happy, i am fine with my life as it is with friends and family. all that i have in my mind is to graduate and see where i should be heading after this. ive been lacking behind in school but im not too late to catch up.
its sad that 29 months together just went to waste. i did not regret knowing him, i regretted wasting my time with him. and i will never throw something that could have meant to be as easy as throwing a tissue paper to a bin(metaphor). its not easy, but i will somehow, be fine, with or without him. least i know the truth, thats what matters. but i will protect my heart before i get hurt again even more. i just wanna be alone and let time heal me.
to the guy who mean so much to me, im sorry if i have been difficult at times, and remember that i have always loved you. cos im letting go of you just for you to be happy. i will see you when our paths meet again.
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